bad math, good math
August 7, 2010
whatthepork
Tags: actuary, bad behavior, booty call, friends with benefits, from the bi one, king lear, no, no soup for you, phone number, risk analysis, wisconsin tourism federation
After I broke up with the fellow I was seeing last fall, he texted me a few times to tell me “if [I] ever want to talk, that would be great.” I didn’t respond to the first text. Or the second. Or the third. Apparently he took my silence on the subject as an invitation to ramp up his game, so on the fourth try he proposed that we get together in our underwear.
Did I mention he sent this at 6:45am on a Monday?
Insult to injury: While we were involved, this fellow never bothered to try to make me come, even after I’d given him the manual (so to speak) on How To Make What The Pork’s Personal Areas Happy. Several times! He’d just kind of sigh, “Someday…I’ll figure it out…” YOU DON’T HAVE TO “FIGURE IT OUT” IF I JUST TOLD YOU, DUDE.
(6:45am!!!!)
…
A girl pal once told me about her guy friend – whom she’s never thought of as anything but platonic – texting her after she’d dropped him off one night: She should turn around and come over, because he wanted to have fun with her right then. All casual-like.
Had she given him any vibes? I asked. No. Nothing. Her personal areas have always been stone cold dead for him, so there’s no way she could have been sending out even subconscious “proposition me” messages.
…
A few years ago I was actually ON a date with another girl, driving through Griffith Park while the Greek was setting up for a show. Somehow we ended up trapped in a maze of orange cones (okay, I know how, it’s because I wasn’t paying attention, I was driving along going hmmmm…cones…wonder who’s playing tonight…) and this not unattractive male stranger moved a cone so I could maneuver my distracted self and my lady out. I thanked him; he responded: “So how about your phone number?”
…
I’ve heard some people (thus far, only men) say they see dating as a numbers game. Like if it takes 10 Nos to get to that Yes, then they want to get all the No-ing out of the way as quickly as possible in order to attain that beautiful, coveted Yes.
In that vein, here are some equations for everyone out there playing this way:
0 orgasms + 0 post-breakup conversation = 0 booty calls
0 sexual interest + 0 flirting = 0 friends with benefits
0 context + 0 politeness = 0 digits
This is pretty basic math; if you’re interested in digging deeper I’d recommend courses in risk analysis and actuarial science.
Or if you’re more the literary type, skip all those numbers and make your dating advisor King Lear:
“Nothing will come from nothing.”
LITERALLY.
Entry Filed under: lgbt
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